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Abandonment Trauma

10 Minutes

Edited & medically reviewed by THE BALANCE Team

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CONTENTS

Establishing a mental connection with a parent or caretaker is crucial for a person’s physical, emotional, and psychological health from the moment they are born. A compassionate caretaker can offer adequate nurturing to develop an infant into a healthy adult capable of exploring the world around them and forming positive relationships. However, if these early ties fail, the child may face neglect, otherwise known as abandonment.

The trauma associated with abandonment can have severe consequences for how a person continues to live their life. It makes it difficult for them to establish healthy connections with others and puts them at risk of problems like substance abuse, depression, and anxiety. Seeking treatment for abandonment trauma early on can, fortunately, bring positive outcomes for the sufferer and their loved ones.

While every person is unique and may experience and process trauma differently, specific symptoms remain constant for everyone. Following are some common abandonment issue symptoms:

Fear of being left behind
Low self-esteem and self-worth
Inability to form healthy relationships
Anxiety and depression
Increasing levels of insecurity
Frequently ending relationships and friendships
Emotional unavailability
Feelings of being not enough
Holding on to a relationship, even if it is abusive, to avoid any feelings of abandonment
Fear of conflict within a relationship
Tendency to self-harming
An excessive need for control over people, situations, and the environment
Reacting to situations on one extreme or the other
Setting unrealistic expectations
Emotional flashbacks leading to emotional distress

Overcoming the past trauma and emotions of abandonment may not be easy for many. Mentioned below are the tips to follow to achieve this goal smoothly.

What not to do

Holding any lofty expectations from the relationship or desiring a specific response from your partner prematurely or unduly. This may lower your self-worth and deteriorate your partner’s views about you.
Attempting to conceal your emotions as it may confuse and drive your partner away.
Trying to coerce your spouse into acting in a way that makes you feel safer. Doing so will only increase the pressure on the relationship and weaken it.
Trying to go over the board to conceal your fear of abandonment. It will make you lose your authenticity despite your best efforts to save the relationship.
Establishing an emotional bond with your partner. This will make you rely more on them than they rely on you, which fuels desperation.
Developing hatred towards yourself when you realise that your past trauma is currently affecting your relationship. Do not panic; it is possible to reverse it with therapy.

What to do

Stop condemning yourself for something that happened in the past. Your fear of abandonment is irrational, and you are not the cause of it.
Quit blaming your insecurities on your partner or anyone else.
Instead of deeming yourself insufficient, acknowledge your fear of abonnement as a natural component of being human.
Accept the responsibility of managing your anxiety instead of expecting your partner to cure it.
Commit yourself to utilising your abonnement trauma as a catalyst for empathy and self-reliance.
Practice self-assurance and self-responsibility by actively participating in rehabilitation programmes for abandonment.
Accept that maintaining your sense of security is solely your responsibility. The moment you seek a solution in your partner, you lose control.
Support yourself through recovery.
For someone struggling to overcome abandonment trauma for a long time with no success, seeking abandonment therapy becomes necessary. This type of therapy assists people in practising self-compassion and the ability to care for themselves, leading to self-recovery.

Among the different types of therapy routinely offered for behavioural issues, the following best suit a person with abandonment trauma:

Eye movements desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR)

EMDR is particularly effective in helping clients process different types of traumas. In case of abandonment trauma, it can reduce the associated symptoms by reprocessing past memories related to the triggering event.

Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT)

DBT is routinely offered in combination with social skills training and individual counselling therapy. As a part of this therapy, people with abandonment trauma can learn to manage their emotions and discuss their challenges and difficulties with their partners and other family members.

Behavioural cognitive therapy (CBT)

CBT is a type of psychotherapy that aims to increase awareness of an individual’s feelings in response to certain situations. It helps people with abandonment trauma, and issues shift their perception of the fear-inducing circumstances. Once this is achieved, most people can remodel their thinking in response to the event of abandonment, and this adjustment helps them reflect better on a more recent version of reality.

Psychodynamic therapy

Psychodynamic therapy supports individuals in determining which thoughts and emotions motivate and drive their actions. It also helps them recognise their present relationships with others and disclose protective mechanisms acquired to respond to possible desertion. Many clients that undergo psychodynamic therapy can discern between their fragile former selves and their stronger current selves.

Couples’ therapy for abandonment fear

An individual with abandonment trauma often finds it difficult to make and maintain relationships. This is especially true for couples where the partner of an afflicted person is completely unaware of the trauma and its impact on them. In such circumstances, couples counselling sessions are arranged by many rehabs to allow both partners to develop a deeper understanding of one another. This therapy aims to establish better communication and tone down the behaviours that may prove detrimental to the relationship. The partners of an afflicted person can also gain knowledge about maintaining positive connections and support them in recovery.

Couples therapy for emotional desertion

It is common for someone with an underlying abandonment trauma to be emotionally estranged from their partners in a relationship. Counselling sessions are offered to both partners at the same time to make it up for this weakness. The aim is to boost recovery and allow the couple to rekindle their relationship by removing any difficulties, such as emotional unavailability and a lack of intimacy.

Fears of abandonment and the trauma associated with it can be a significant problem for both children and adults. Hence, it is imperative to seek help for it, significantly if the issue is impacting the current life and relationships. For many people, the abandonment, depression, and trauma are transient and may pass on their own. However, if the symptoms persist for months or years and prevent you from forming healthy relationships with others, an expert can help.

Join an abandonment trauma UK rehab today to begin your process of recovery.

FAQs

Why do I have abandonment issues?

Abandonment disorder or abandonment syndrome occurs due to a single or a series of negative experiences that leave an individual feeling alone, fearful, and unsafe. The intense emotional distress that accompanies these experiences can severely impact their health over time. The abandonment issues and trauma that eventually develop in these individuals stem from the disconnections and losses experienced in early childhood, such as:

An emotionally unavailable parent
The presence of a mental illness, such as depression, in a caregiver or parent
A sudden loss of a parent or caregiver on whom the child depends on feeling loved and safe
A severe physical problem in the parent or caregiver, leaving them incapable of tending to the child’s needs for attention and love
Childhood neglect, due to problems like alcoholism or substance abuse in parents or caregivers
Family instabilities, such as separation of the parents in early childhood

Is abandonment trauma associated with eating disorders?

As with other types of trauma, the pain and trauma associated with abandonment can significantly increase the risk of acquiring eating disorders. People who have been abandoned in the past are more likely to engage in self-harming behaviours and have low self-esteem and self-worth. All these issues can serve as the breeding ground for eating disorders. For instance, people with anorexia often have co-occurring anxiety issues. Counting their calories very strictly to maintain a low body weight allows them to gain a sense of control over that particular aspect of life. Similarly, people with bulimia often struggle with shame, self-judgment, and even self-harm.

People with abandonment trauma also feel too worried and anxious about their emotional and physical safety. Children, in particular, develop anxiety about how their basic needs will be met. This anxiety, in terms, leads to a pronounced need for control over their life.

What are the long-term effects of adult abandonment issues?

An individual who has recently experienced abandonment is more likely to suffer mental health issues in the long run. Most of these issues are based on the fear that abandonment may recur in the future. An individual left alone by a partner or parent may develop anger or mood swings later in life. These behaviours alienate potential friends and partners in the future while reducing their self-esteem.

Fears related to abandonment trauma sometimes impair an individual’s ability to trust others. As a result, they may also feel difficulty in feeling worthy or practising intimacy. Eventually, such people develop depression, codependence, borderline personality disorder or depression.

What are the effects of child abandonment in adulthood?

Experts often categorise abandonment trauma as anxiety in which a person experiences a deep fear of dealing with grief. Most of these issues begin in childhood, but some can also emerge once maturity sets in. Individuals who have battled with abandonment in childhood often find it challenging to maintain relationships due to problems like mistrust, codependency, and a proclivity to destroy these relationships.

What is abandoned child syndrome?

Abandoned child syndrome is a psychological or behavioural issue that stems from the loss of one or both parents or caregivers. The type of abandonment the child goes through can either be emotional (withholding affection or nurturing) or physical (failing to be present in the child’s life). Abandoned child syndrome often constitutes a complex mixture of symptoms that typically include:

Withdrawal from social activities
Feeling guilty and responsible for the abandonment
Eating disorders
Sleep irregulates, and nightmares
An increased tendency to fall for alcohol abuse, drug dependence, anxiety, and depression

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Trauma & PTSD Insights

PTSD UK

PTSD is a condition that can develop following exposure to a traumatic event. While not everyone who experiences trauma will develop PTSD

What is Vicarious Trauma

According to the British Medical Association, vicarious trauma refers to a change process resulting from frequently engaging with trauma survivors. In simpler words, the term describes the negative changes that a person experiences who are empathetically involved with people who have experienced a traumatic event in the past.

Developmental Trauma Disorder

The symptoms of developmental trauma often linger on with the trauma survivors into adulthood. In a fully-functioning adult, these symptoms may include the following:

Signs Of Repressed Childhood Trauma In Adults

Childhood trauma, in particular, can have prolonged effects on physical health and may even lead to the development of several mental health disorders, including addictions.