How to Deal With Gaslighting

Gaslighting is capable of undermining the perception of reality. When someone is gaslighting you, it leads to second-guessing yourself and your decisions, perceptions, and memory. Even a small interaction with the gaslighter can leave you feeling confused and wondering if there’s something wrong with yourself. It can also encourage you to take the blame for something you are not responsible for.

A gaslighter can also force you to question your judgment, self-worth, memory, and even your overall mental health status. It may be helpful to know the common techniques these people may adopt to belittle you before learning how to deal with a gaslighting spouse.

Lying

Gaslighters are often pathological liars with narcissistic tendencies. They commonly lie and never change their stories, no matter how much the victim calls them out or provides proof of deception. Phrases like “that never happened” and “you are just making this up” are frequently used in their discussions.

Discrediting

People who are habitual gaslighters love to gossip and spread rumours. They may pretend to worry about you as they subtly hint to others about your emotionally unstable or crazy personality. This tactic usually makes other people side with your abuser without knowing the full story.

Distracting

It is common for gaslighters to change the subject, especially when they are called out for something they said or did. They may try to change the subject or divert your attention by asking another question instead of responding to your allegation. This tactic can easily throw you off your train of thought and provide your gaslighter with an opportunity to escape without accountability.

Trivialising Feelings and Thoughts

Belittling emotions in an attempt to gain power and control is an important characteristic of gaslighters. Such people may use statements like “you are too sensitive” and “you are overreacting” frequently to minimise what the victim feels or thinks and to communicate that they are wrong. 

Dealing with someone who fails to acknowledge your feelings, thoughts, or beliefs can easily make you question yourself. In addition, it often leads to a lack of validation which may be extremely shaming, isolating, and difficult to handle.

Shifting Blame

Blame-shifting is another common tactic to identify before learning how to deal with gaslighting. The gaslighter may use it to twist every discussion to shift the blame on the victim, even if it is not their fault. This strategy is also used when you try to tell your abuser how their behaviour is affecting you. For instance, they may claim that they wouldn’t treat you the way they do if you behaved differently.

Denying Wrongdoing

People who frequently engage in emotional abuse or bullying never accept any wrongdoings. The reason for this constant denial is to avoid the responsibility for their bad choices. The denial can often make the victim feel unheard, unseen, and unimportant, making it hard for them to recover or move on from the abuse.

Misusing Compassionate Words

Gaslighters often use kind and compassionate words to smooth over the situation every time they are questioned or called out. They may say phrases like, “you know I love you. I can never hurt you intentionally.” While the words may sound highly kind and supportive, they are primarily inauthentic, especially if this type of behaviour is repeated frequently.

Changing Past

A person who gaslights is habitual of changing the past events and retelling stories in a way that favours them. For example, if a gaslighter shoved you against the wardrobe and hurt you, they may twist the story later on and mention it as an attempt to steady you as you stumbled. The words they choose and the delivery style are so convincing that you may begin to doubt your memory of what exactly happened.